I for one couldn't wait to see Blake Lively in something quite opposite her usual. Unfortunately this is the same language some have used to justify voting for you know who, too tired of the same old donkey and elephant show. But as we all now know (perhaps not all) different ain't better, it's just - um different. Quite frankly if these are the results you're gonna get then better you not attempt to reinvent the wheel and stick to what works.
The rhythm ain't gonna get ya, not in this dreary, nonsensical film. I'm going to try and make this torture quick and precise. Once upon a time there was a very sad girl who lost her entire family. They died in a plane crash. Cut to a few years later, sad girl has not gotten over it. She wastes the life she has and becomes a junkie and prostitute. She's fallen and she can't get up. Oh the tragedy of it all.
Suddenly, a John enters her life only he's no ordinary Tom, Dick or Harry but a reporter working on a story about a terrorist and a bomb and a plane crash. Cut past a bunch of malarkey and Blake meets Jude, an ex MI6 Operative. Hey Jude! Quite suddenly he's inspired to transform this sad little junkie hooker into a field agent because obviously she's shown him tremendous potential in the five minutes they've met! By the by she found him using google maps! Allow me to crystallize this point: An MI6 operative has secreted (that's secret - ed) himself to unknown sheep land in Inverness yet he seems to have given dear John access to his Tinder account. Quite!
The next couple of scenes had me pressing my lips together in grave despair for Law begins training Lively in the art of whatthefuck. That's right, full Balboa style.
The only thing that you can literally hear breaking is your grip on sanity itself. Suddenly you're transported to a scene from Fight Club 101, florists vs. photographers. Bet on neither, save your money for the therapy.
After a few sessions of target practice, there's a fun scene: Jude slaps on a bullet proof vest and invites Lively to shoot him. She obliges landing a bullet right by the old boy's nipple. He's still got it. After catching that bullet, Jude smugly declares it's time to put her in the field. I mean why not? He's trained her like a storm trooper, all that jogging and swimming and slapping at knives. And if you witnessed how that went you genuinely pray he's referring to baseball.
During 90% of the movie I'm unduly distracted by the fact that a junkie hooker found an MI6 operative by using her phone and a bus ticket, had a few chats with the bloke, ran a couple of miles and is now ready to body targets. Here is somethin' I can't understand. How she can just kill a man.
The rest of this fantasy folds Lively into the world of espionage as simply as a two step line dance. Frankly, the audience can't buy any of it. Where is the logical functional character arc that we can get onboard with and believe? I can tell ya where it ain't! Seek life elsewhere.
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